People often ask, ‘where would you rather live, Britain or Estonia? Or, ‘where do you most feel at home?’. I am honestly not sure I know anymore. I find myself feeling at home in both places while at the same time feeling entirely foreign!
We recently ‘went home’ to spend 5 1/2 weeks in the UK, and have to say that we enjoyed the great pleaure of being able to communicate in our native language. No matter how long you live in another country and do life in that language you cannot find the same liberty and freedom of expression that you do in your mother tongue. It is something emotionally very deep and fundamental to your identity and a background pressure when you aren’t able to use it.
The other great joy was seeing family and friends who have known you for years and who share the same cultural background to their thinking. You have no idea how british you are until you leave the country and discover that nobody else sees the world the way you do…except other brits!
Then there were the pleaures of eating familiar family favourites like fish and chips smothered in malt vinegar, prawn cocktail crisps, melton mowberry pork pies and of course haggis! There is an over abundance of absolutely everything in the shops at ridiculously good prices and as for the customer service, it is a joy to actually have some! People smile at you in the streets and say hello and will have a bit of banter while standing in a queue. And then the greatest higlight of all…ASDA!!!
On the other hand there is the feeling of rising stress levels the moment you get off the plane and have to face the British roads, traffic jams and car fumes. Our kids walked in bewilderment through the bustling streets of London and gripped our hands in the confusion of the underground. You get pulled, here, there and everywhere and can feel overcome with an attack of sensory overload…oh for the peace and tranquility of Estonia where everyone moves around in a state of subdued quietness!
Towards the end of our stay I was gripped with the feeling of, ‘I want to go home,’ back to the comfort of our own space in a sleepy little town in Estonia where nothing was likely to have happened in the space of time we had been gone. The apple trees would be heavy with fruit and the crickets would be chirping happily with only the sound of the odd lawn mower to disturb the peace. Then we arrived….yes, the feeling of home was definitely there in our own house and garden, but oh, how eastern european everything seemed; I hadn’t seen it like that for years! How slow the pace of life and how enigmatic the expressions of the people. It was a disorienting feeling just walking to the shops and back! It only lasted a few days though and then we felt submerged once again in the culture of a remarkably different people to the brits and amongst whom we have found good friends.
So which place is home to me? I guess both in a measure. And yet no matter how many times I get a pang of home sickness in either country, a visit to the other never seems to fully satisfy, although it feels good for a time. And that is when I realise that the need for ‘home’ is something so much deeper than a geographical location or the presence of certain people. It’s a place where the soul can truly find rest and be satisfied regardless of where it is.
It just so happened as I was writing this that I came across a poem by an an unknow author that expressed the essence of what I have come to know so clearly in my own journey as a follower of Jesus. It’s quoted in part.
“And now “my home is God,” and sheltered there,
God meets the trials of my earthly life,
God compasses me round from storm and strife,
God takes the burden of my daily care.
O Wondrous Place! O home divinely fair!…
My soul may evermore and only see
My God in everything and everywhere;
My Home is God.”
The great thing is, I can take this ‘home’ with me everywhere and bloom wherever I am planted. There is truly no place like this home. You can make it yours too…